Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
