WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
