Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
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