So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
