after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
