Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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