I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
