I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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