I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
We are all done wearing pants today
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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