every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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