Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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