Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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