the condom got lost in my hair
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
she peed on how many people?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
