Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
