i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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