we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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