Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
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