while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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