sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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