If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize