Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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