Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
