I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
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