I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
