oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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