so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
