He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
