I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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