I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
