Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
