You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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