Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
