my vag is so smooth its legendary
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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