This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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