how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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