He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize