I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
