Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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