My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
