I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
