how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
