I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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