Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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