Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
