The maid of honor just puked.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
