and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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