When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize