McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Less talking, more tequila
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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