in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize