I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
the condom got lost in my hair
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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