well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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