She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
