Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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