My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
