nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Im part way to drunk.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
