I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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