The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
