Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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